#5 Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man
Since Ross Perot in 1992, American voters have flirted with the idea of a business-savvy, technocratic billionaire president. We elected one in 2016, and it looks like 3 might be running in 2020 — Trump, Bloomberg, and Mr. Starbucks. Why not one more? Tony Stark is the billionaire inventor playboy America needs. He’s brilliant, telegenic, and funny — and he can mop up ISIS all by himself, saving us money on defense spending. Though he loses points for inventing Ultron and almost destroying humanity.
Political Affiliation: Third-Party (Self-financed)
#4 Andrew “Ender” Wiggin
Ender Wiggin makes Tony Stark seem like a mouth-breather, and would bring incredible analytical powers to the White House, along with a cool AI BFF. After his military career, Ender went on to become a Speaker for the Dead, and understands human nature on a deep level. You thought Bill Clinton felt your pain? Ender really does. He’ll face some tough questions, seeing as he’s the only candidate on the list who’s actually committed genocide (though admittedly, against insect aliens). He should probably just claim to be Turkish, and everyone will sweep that little genocide under the historical carpet.
Political Affiliation: Republican, foreign-policy realist
#3 Princess Leia Organa-Solo
Leia would not only be our first female president, but she’d bring a panache to the office that we haven’t seen since JFK or Reagan. Like Admiral Adama, she checks the diplomacy and defense boxes, what with that whole intragalactic war with the Empire. She would have scored higher on the list, except the Rebellion really went badly after they blew up that second Death Star. She’ll probably have to renounce her princess-hood, thanks to the Constitution’s Title of Nobility Clause, but that’s no big deal – Alderaan is blown up anyway. A bigger issue will be Kylo Ren. You thought the Bush twins were a PR problem?
Political Affiliation: Whig – Classical Liberal
#2 Captain Benjamin Lafayette Sisko
Sisko is definitely the best candidate among Star Trek captains. Kirk is too temperamental and Picard is French. Americans might vote for a Martian wardlord or alien robot, but never a Frenchman. With frozen conflicts at the heart of so many of our foreign policy issues — Ukraine and Russia, China and Taiwan, North and South Korea — Sisko’s experience mediating between the Bajorans and Cardassians on DS9 would be invaluable. Add in decisiveness and bucket-loads of sangfroid, and you have a great president.
As the chief prophet for a group of alien demigods, he’ll probably lose some votes in both the Bible Belt and in secular strongholds like Manhattan.
Political Affiliation: Independent (Theocrat)
#1 Captain Malcolm Reynolds
If anyone embodies the can-do, don’t-fence-me-in spirit that made America great, it’s Captain Mal. We’re experiencing a populist moment, and he’s just the kind of rebel we need, someone who’s willing to take on the Establishment.
Also, the presidency is foremost an executive job — a great president assembles a brilliant team and then provides them with vision. Considering the crew of the Firefly, wouldn’t his Cabinet picks be choice?
Plus, if we have to listen to someone for the next four years, who better than Mal? His press conferences would be epic. “Chuck Todd, my days of not taking you seriously are definitely coming to a middle.”
Political Affiliation: Libertarian (Browncoat)